these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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