booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
