I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
