I think my vagina is haunted
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
