I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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