the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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