This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
