Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
