last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
