So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
