I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize