I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
