dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize