it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
