Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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