You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
