I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
