I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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