I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
