Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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