the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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