yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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