If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
