ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
