i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
