M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
