I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
