dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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