I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
