I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
