Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
