Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
