do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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