Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just puked most of my soul out..
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