peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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