she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
