I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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