Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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