I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
