You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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