I'm going to jail i love you
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
