I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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