so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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