please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
