she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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