I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
