i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i black out too much to be "responsible"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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