she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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