My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I need to stop coming to work sober
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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