i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
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