Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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